THIS THING CALLED 'PRIDE' AND THE GREAT FALL

I couldn’t help but share this great read by  Gina Umoru Agbukor  as it made a lot of sense given that many of us would no doubts relate with it in one way or the other. For me it was a great read to start a beautiful week and a reminder that this life is exactly what it is so we have to deal with it the best way we can. Enjoy!

Be careful what you pray for.

"Many years ago...about 5 or 6 years ago, I rededicated my life to Christ and I was doing away with 'Old things'... I don't know whether it was overzealousness or sheer stupidity...but looking back now, I think it was ignorance. I prayed a certain prayer. 

Simple prayer, nothing fancy... but with dire consequences.

"Lord humble me, take away pride from me"

No sooner had I prayed it, my life turned inside out. Immediately, I found myself thrown into a bakery where they make freshly baked humble pie of life. Every morning I get served with a huge slice of humble pie. Just pie. No coffee. I was basically 'force-fed' this pie ehn. Every time I think I am full of pie, I get another slice. It was a conveyor belt of humble pies, I wasn't full. I needed more.

Then I got married and thought that I was going to leave the bakery, guess what? *Sheer horror*, the next thing, I found myself at the back of the kitchen, helping to knead the dough for 'humble pie'. I wasn't even allowed to serve pie. I was a 'line cook' here.... no 'chef de patisserie' business. I grumbled at the job, I scoffed and complained and complained oooooooooo. You guessed it, I wasn't ready to finish my apprenticeship.

These days, I am filled with deep compassion and empathy and a deep conscience and find myself telling God "I am ready", over and over and over again. Right now, I have no qualms walking to the baker and ordering a slice of humble pie with coffee when I feel I am stepping out of order. I made terrible decisions because of pride and I have to live with the consequences.

Pride is terrible.

Pride is what makes you think you are better than others.

Pride is why you won’t build that relationship again.

Pride is what makes you die of hunger when you can ask for help.

Pride is what makes you think you have passed that 'level'. Whatever the hell that means. *rme*

I recently went to one of these Abuja male designers, someone I know referred me for a discount. He knew I was coming but when I got there he wouldn't see me. I knew he was in, his car was outside. He could see me with his CCTV cameras. Apparently he was in a meeting. I believe it was a meeting to discuss world peace because I left and came back in the evening and he still wasn't available (I guess it was about the time he signed the peace treaty agreement) but told his sales rep to discuss prices with me. I was not a 'big enough' spender. I wasn't worthy of his audience. I have tons of not-so-proud encounters but this will suffice.

So when I see people filled with pride because of their ego, riches, fame, intelligence or pedigree they have. The only thing I feel is pity...because one day, you must chop humble pie one way or another. Pride is NOT a good thing oh.

Years later, I learnt that my prayer point should have been "Lord, give me the grace to humble myself".

So pick up that phone and make that call. You win by making the first move to reconciliation.

It's 3:29am. Phew! I need some sleep. Good morning, enjoy your week.

Remember, pride goeth before a fall!

THERE WILL BE MORE JOY ODAMAS AND EVANS' UNTIL WE STOP DISRESPECTING OURSELVES

As I sit here at my desk in the office going through one of the national dailies on an update report by the Nigerian Police on the death of the late young Joy Odama who was said to have recently died in the hands of an Alhaji as a result of an overdose of cocaine in Abuja, one cannot help but be pained at how callous and undiscerning some so called men can be or get when it comes to exciting themselves with some of these vulnerable girls.

The sad part is that as you read this now, no doubts some other stubborn girls and hell-bent ones are still on their way to see one or two unknown Alhajis even with this trending story on the investigation of Joy Odama’s death. These hell-bent ones will still embark on such journeys with a mindset such as “that Joy Odama Girl was just unlucky, what happened to her can’t happen to me”, and so many more young girls have gone and also met their ends with such mindsets. It’s a sad truth.

A couple of days back, while having a chat with one driver who operates with one of these newly introduced and well packaged car hire service providers in Nigeria, I was amazed when he reeled out the number of young girls he picks up on a daily basis to destinations where they meet men they have never met in person before except via social media connections all in a bid to get money in other to maintain their “slay queen” status. In other words, many of these ‘runs girls’ stake their lives for little, more or nothing when it comes to this kind of business as sometimes their monetary expectations are either met, surpassed, not met or are killed in the process.

What a shameful, painful and sympathetic life as many of them are declared missing on a nearly daily basis, that’s if not found dead with no trace of where or how it happened.

In the case of Joy Odama, she was said to have been invited by a friend to see one ‘Philanthropic’ Alhaji while she was on holidays in Abuja  sometime in December 2016. According to reports, the mother of the deceased was offered N400,000 so that she can keep the matter of her child’s death buried. What an avoidable death!

Now the many questions being asked include “Who was this friend, who is this Alhaji and why would her mother allow her go to see an unknown Alhaji and for what? Can N400,000 bring back the young girl’s life?

Once again, like I have mentioned in previous posts, I reiterate here that the society takes a huge part of the blame when it comes to the question of “who is to blame?”

A young intellectual or young business struggling man or woman appears with an average lifestyle given his/her humble source of income; unfortunately, they are hardly recognized or respected when they appear at events or any social gathering. They do not have a ‘say’ in extended family meetings or amongst a gathering of friends all because they don’t have the kind of money to throw around. If he/she manages to buy a small decent car, buys inexpensive but good looking watches, clothes or shoes, they are looked upon with disdainful looks such as “is this the kind of cars your mates are still driving, do your mates still were such watches, clothes or shoes?”, the list is endless.

To crown it all, he or she is invited for an event and when he gets to the gate of the venue, the security man with just a quick look at his/her car will ask them to park outside with an excuse such as “no more space inside the premise” but as soon as a supposed “big man” with the latest Range Rover arrives the same event, the ‘silly’ security man will not only quickly fling the gates open but will add a quick military-like “salute Sir” and thereafter goes to direct the driver of the car where to park in the same premises he had earlier said there was no longer space.

Now tell me, why won’t young girls, boys, men and women who cannot endure such disrespect anymore lean towards all sorts of methods to get rich overnight just so they can earn the respect they so desire from the society? It takes God and a strong morally bond person to still stick with the “slow and steady” lifestyle with the hope that one day after so much genuine hard work, things will eventually fall into ‘pleasant places’ for him/her.

In the past few days after the news of the death of Joy Odama and the recent capture of ‘Evans’ a reported kingpin in kidnapping made news, the social media has been agog with different remarks filled with 90% of condemnation with the other percentage on pity especially for the family of the victim, Joy whose mother has been seeking for Justice.

Interestingly a huge percentage of all those condemning, casting aspersions and sharing sneering remarks on ‘Evans’ and even Joy Odama’s misfortune, are guilty of disrespecting those who seem ‘not to have arrived’ while praising the “ I have arrived” ones whenever the opportunities arise even when the source of income is questionable. What a group of discriminating ‘two-faced’ individuals.

Sadly, there will be more Evans Chukwudi and Joy Odamas in our society until the government creates an enabling environment for entrepreneurs, until many of us stop our nauseating ostentatious lifestyles and discriminating attitude. Until we stop disrespecting humble earners, until we stop unnecessary praise singing, ‘show-offs’ and thus making guys and ‘queens’ struggling to ‘slay’ on social media as well as events trying to look rich in a bid to earn respect thus getting ‘pocket’ broke in the process, this circle of “menace to society” will never stop.

My two cents!!

ENDING A GENERATION OF (UN)INTENTIONAL FORMS OF CHILD ABUSE

“My kids dare not look at me in the eyes. They know I don't tolerate nonsense, unlike their mother who does. They always know when I am around, and because they know where I hang their cane, they behave themselves and don't scatter their toys in the parlour"

These were the words I overheard someone telling his friend. It was uttered with such pride that I began to wonder whether he is a serious contender for the “strictest father". Get this: the man in question is an under 30 year old father; the two children are aged 3 years and 5 years. Years ago, scolding a child by way of flogging was the acceptable way of raising a child. When children erred, irrespective of the cause, they were flogged or beaten by their parents. Children were made to fear their parents (especially fathers) because fear was akin to love. In a way, Fathers were seldom close to their children as being a disciplinarian was “in-thing” about parenting. However, the sad part is that this style of parenting raised many angry and bitter children. In my opinion, it did more harm than good. Many children grew up to be abusive parents who physically abused their spouses and children. Years of been conditioned to physically react when you are angry is not something one can easily change, even with the best intentions. And so the circle of violence continued. People raised children who became strangers to them when they became adults, all because the bonding that should have been created during childhood was never done. That is why I felt so sad that a young man would feel so proud that his two little girls are afraid of him.

Inflicting physical pain on a child is not the way to correct the child. It is wrong at all levels and that is why it has been abolished in many western countries. Some say it is sound correction as the fear of being beaten will mold the child into having the right values but the stark truth is this: it is physical abuse and it stays forever in the child's memory, especially if the child is older.

One should never create an atmosphere where your kids are scared of you. From their early years, the parents should be their besties and paddies; they should be the persons they can confide in. Don't create unnecessary barriers simply because you don't want to appear as the “weak parents” to other parents. Some of the most despicable reasons parents use in flogging their children are the so-called “being too playful", “dem no know book” or “dem no dey hear word”. Does this even make sense? How does beating a child make him or her more intelligent, or to have more concentration while studying?

Apart from physical abuse, there are parents who specialise in emotional abuse, without knowing that they are doing this. Such parents are wickedly gifted with swear words: I don't want to mention a particular ethnic group but you need to hear the abuses and curses they heap on their children. I feel so sad because they don't even know the consequences of their actions. Constant emotional abuse can wreak havoc on the self-esteem of a child.

There is really no dull or intelligent child: all children are gifted in different ways. What they need are: the right atmosphere, the right tools to bring out their natural abilities, and the right guidance on developing their self-worth. That Mr. A's child has a sharp mind and easily learns things doesn't mean yours is dull. That you tell your second child one thing gazillion times before he/she understands while the first child understands easily before you finish your sentences doesn't mean your second child is a dullard or is being stubborn. That a child is not developing like his peers doesn't mean he is a witch, a snake-child or is possessed by a demon. In our part of the world, lack of knowledge and nil zeal to seek it, is one of our greatest problems. People don't even bother to know things. They would rather believe the tales reeled out by dubious religious leaders because these are what they want to hear.

Every child is different, the same way every adult is different. Knowing your child's personality and how to handle the child is very important. Granted nobody is perfect but your parenting style goes a long way in determining how a child will turn out. Anyone with kids below eight years will easily tell you that their attention span on any task is less than an hour. At that age, it is normal for them to quickly lose interest in tasks/chores at school and at home, especially if they don't find them interesting. As they grow older, they become mentally equipped to handle things that need concentrations, and their attention span gradually lengthens. For some children born with learning disabilities, such Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) (ADHA) and Dyslexia, physically punishing them with flogging, emotionally abusing the child or taking the child to see your spiritual leaders for casting out demons, will not make the problem to go away. Instead, it can destroy the self-esteem of the child and could lead to greater problems as adult. The best solution is to seek professional help. Medical professionals trained to treat such cases abound in our medical facilities; maybe not in small private hospitals or heath centre but they are certainly found in teaching and specialist hospitals. With drugs, counseling and therapy sessions, most if not all of such children can learn to overcome such obstacles or at the very least, manage it to a point where it doesn't blight their lives. For special child with Autism, ranging from Asperger Syndrome to seriously severe cases of Autism, with the right help, life can still be meaningful to both the child and the family.

In conclusion, there is no one style-fit-all parenting method. The goal of many parents (if not all) is to raise successful children. As much as we value children in Africa, the fact is that not all adults are actually prepared to be a parent. Raising children is no easy task because having them will change your life forever; whether this turns out positive or negative in the long run, will depend on your parenting style. If you know you cannot do it well, do not go into it. Do not bring children into this world to be their tormentor or killer, by abusing them. Dear Parents and Future Parents, do not let your child/children be scared of you. Be their friends as well as their parents.

Written By Edith Mokwe, an ACIPM licensed HR Practitioner residing in Lagos. She has B.A from the University of Benin (UNIBEN), and an M.A from the University of Lagos (UNILAG). She loves research, creative writing and board games. An introverted-extrovert and by every way a multi-dimensional being who is not only a lover of African Arts but one who stands up to bullies and finally an addict to sugary foods.

THE 'GOOGLE RAISED' ADULTS AND THE LEFT-OVER GRADUATES OF NIGERIA

One of the ways the common man pikin chooses to adapt to a labour market that has no place for him, is to reduce his age. Yes, he does this without guilt. Again, this is a no brainer as human instinct for survival can over shadow morality. I want to be clear on one thing; my analysis is not trying to justify this action of the common man pikin. I am only trying to understand where the rationale to undertake such action is coming from. Reduction of biological age to have official age is morally bad and illegal but the situation in our dear country is not helping matters. I know people will say they should go and start business rather than wait for someone to employ them. To such critics, I can hear you loud and clear. Tell me, with which skills will they become entrepreneurs?

Our educational system is so muddled up that hardly any school teaches entrepreneurship skills. I have seen many graduates who went through the four walls of Nigerian universities and they don't know ‘jack’ about our economy or how political issues affect everything we do. Something as basic as the difference between export and import trade is a mirage to some of them. I have seen an applicant who didn't know the difference between a current account and a savings account. You will hear graduates lamenting about not having hundreds of thousands of Naira to start a business but the fact is that, so many graduates have no idea on how to start a business, let alone how to run one profitably.

For many graduates, it is about the big dream of working in big organisations that will pay them tens of million. All they know is to dream, pray and believe in the idea of finding big-time jobs with big paycheck, in oil and gas sector, international NGOs, banks, telecom companies; and government job slots which they buy with hundreds of thousands and where they will rarely report to work but will get paid every month.

I will enjoin Human Resource Practitioners and External Recruiters, to create a level playing ground. It is important to discuss with Management about lifting age limitations on recruitment. There is nothing wrong or odd about a company hiring someone in his/her thirties or forties, if that is when the person gets his/her first job.

From experience, I have noticed that the ones who have searched for job for a long time before getting it, are usually more committed and loyal to their organisations, when compared with fresh graduates in their late teens or early twenties. Some employees in the latter group are so full of themselves that they usually create problems while trying to fit in. With the world looking like an Aladdin's cave for them to explore, they are least likely to stay on a job for more than a year; they expect you to babysit them while they adapt to their tasks. They are ‘Google-raised’ adults who are so knowledgeable about everything the internet has to teach them; this makes following simple directives a big problem to them as they come at you with the “know it all” and “seen it on Youtube” attitudes. With their “know it all attitude”, they are usually in conflicts with their superiors. And when their misconducts explode, they expect HR to wipe the sh*t they cause as a result of them having disrespectful attitudes. This is not to say they some of them don't have good qualities- they do, and in many ways, are as resourceful as any generation. And I am still amazed at their confidence level.

To conclude, my point is that companies in general and HR department/units in particular, should give older graduates the chance to prove themselves. Don't make life more difficult for a 34 year old who graduated four years ago and hasn't been able to secure a job, by telling him he is unemployable. If he is rejected because of his age, the odds are that he will simply edit his resume and come back with a DOB that puts his age as 26 with glaring inconsistency showing he started primary school as a baby still being breastfed by the mother. Let us give every Nigerian graduate equal chance to get a job. I know there are other factors exacerbating their job search for example nepotism, corruption and that fact that some applicants are simply unemployable because of appalling education; but on this article, I choose to focus on age. Let their knowledge, skills and abilities (KSA) speak for them, and not age.

Written By Edith Mokwe, an ACIPM licensed HR Practitioner residing in Lagos. She has B.A from the University of Benin (UNIBEN), and an M.A from the University of Lagos (UNILAG). She loves research, creative writing and board games. An introverted-extrovert and by every way a multi-dimensional being who is not only a lover of African Arts but one who stands up to bullies and finally an addict to sugary foods.