ENDING A GENERATION OF (UN)INTENTIONAL FORMS OF CHILD ABUSE

“My kids dare not look at me in the eyes. They know I don't tolerate nonsense, unlike their mother who does. They always know when I am around, and because they know where I hang their cane, they behave themselves and don't scatter their toys in the parlour"

These were the words I overheard someone telling his friend. It was uttered with such pride that I began to wonder whether he is a serious contender for the “strictest father". Get this: the man in question is an under 30 year old father; the two children are aged 3 years and 5 years. Years ago, scolding a child by way of flogging was the acceptable way of raising a child. When children erred, irrespective of the cause, they were flogged or beaten by their parents. Children were made to fear their parents (especially fathers) because fear was akin to love. In a way, Fathers were seldom close to their children as being a disciplinarian was “in-thing” about parenting. However, the sad part is that this style of parenting raised many angry and bitter children. In my opinion, it did more harm than good. Many children grew up to be abusive parents who physically abused their spouses and children. Years of been conditioned to physically react when you are angry is not something one can easily change, even with the best intentions. And so the circle of violence continued. People raised children who became strangers to them when they became adults, all because the bonding that should have been created during childhood was never done. That is why I felt so sad that a young man would feel so proud that his two little girls are afraid of him.

Inflicting physical pain on a child is not the way to correct the child. It is wrong at all levels and that is why it has been abolished in many western countries. Some say it is sound correction as the fear of being beaten will mold the child into having the right values but the stark truth is this: it is physical abuse and it stays forever in the child's memory, especially if the child is older.

One should never create an atmosphere where your kids are scared of you. From their early years, the parents should be their besties and paddies; they should be the persons they can confide in. Don't create unnecessary barriers simply because you don't want to appear as the “weak parents” to other parents. Some of the most despicable reasons parents use in flogging their children are the so-called “being too playful", “dem no know book” or “dem no dey hear word”. Does this even make sense? How does beating a child make him or her more intelligent, or to have more concentration while studying?

Apart from physical abuse, there are parents who specialise in emotional abuse, without knowing that they are doing this. Such parents are wickedly gifted with swear words: I don't want to mention a particular ethnic group but you need to hear the abuses and curses they heap on their children. I feel so sad because they don't even know the consequences of their actions. Constant emotional abuse can wreak havoc on the self-esteem of a child.

There is really no dull or intelligent child: all children are gifted in different ways. What they need are: the right atmosphere, the right tools to bring out their natural abilities, and the right guidance on developing their self-worth. That Mr. A's child has a sharp mind and easily learns things doesn't mean yours is dull. That you tell your second child one thing gazillion times before he/she understands while the first child understands easily before you finish your sentences doesn't mean your second child is a dullard or is being stubborn. That a child is not developing like his peers doesn't mean he is a witch, a snake-child or is possessed by a demon. In our part of the world, lack of knowledge and nil zeal to seek it, is one of our greatest problems. People don't even bother to know things. They would rather believe the tales reeled out by dubious religious leaders because these are what they want to hear.

Every child is different, the same way every adult is different. Knowing your child's personality and how to handle the child is very important. Granted nobody is perfect but your parenting style goes a long way in determining how a child will turn out. Anyone with kids below eight years will easily tell you that their attention span on any task is less than an hour. At that age, it is normal for them to quickly lose interest in tasks/chores at school and at home, especially if they don't find them interesting. As they grow older, they become mentally equipped to handle things that need concentrations, and their attention span gradually lengthens. For some children born with learning disabilities, such Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) (ADHA) and Dyslexia, physically punishing them with flogging, emotionally abusing the child or taking the child to see your spiritual leaders for casting out demons, will not make the problem to go away. Instead, it can destroy the self-esteem of the child and could lead to greater problems as adult. The best solution is to seek professional help. Medical professionals trained to treat such cases abound in our medical facilities; maybe not in small private hospitals or heath centre but they are certainly found in teaching and specialist hospitals. With drugs, counseling and therapy sessions, most if not all of such children can learn to overcome such obstacles or at the very least, manage it to a point where it doesn't blight their lives. For special child with Autism, ranging from Asperger Syndrome to seriously severe cases of Autism, with the right help, life can still be meaningful to both the child and the family.

In conclusion, there is no one style-fit-all parenting method. The goal of many parents (if not all) is to raise successful children. As much as we value children in Africa, the fact is that not all adults are actually prepared to be a parent. Raising children is no easy task because having them will change your life forever; whether this turns out positive or negative in the long run, will depend on your parenting style. If you know you cannot do it well, do not go into it. Do not bring children into this world to be their tormentor or killer, by abusing them. Dear Parents and Future Parents, do not let your child/children be scared of you. Be their friends as well as their parents.

Written By Edith Mokwe, an ACIPM licensed HR Practitioner residing in Lagos. She has B.A from the University of Benin (UNIBEN), and an M.A from the University of Lagos (UNILAG). She loves research, creative writing and board games. An introverted-extrovert and by every way a multi-dimensional being who is not only a lover of African Arts but one who stands up to bullies and finally an addict to sugary foods.