OUR HEADS OUR ALL!

The first, last and only slap I received from my dad was a resounding and resetting (corrective) one that I promised myself “never again” will I ever put myself in any position where  such a slap would be warranted from him again. The shock and the lasting effect gives me the shivers till today even though I was barely a teenager when it happened. Just imagine that kind of slap from an angry uniformed ‘oga’ commandant at the barracks, then you’d understand the kind of slap I’m talking about. Even though he later apologized when he found out I was wrong accused, I didn’t feel any better as the horror was beyond explanation.

And so it is with such a horror I watch any boxing match and always wonder how the boxers cope with the heavy blows received on their heads and faces. I keep wondering that if a single slap did what it did to me (as I saw many stars hovering about my head) then one can only imagine what the blows would feel like. Forget about those headgears! I think they do little or nothing in protecting them.

I’ve always feared for them, wondering if it wouldn’t lead to head concussions or brain injuries. Thus it didn’t come too much as a surprise when I heard on sky news that young Patrick Day, an American boxer has just died at 27  as a result of a brain injury he received while in a fight with Charles Conwell in Chicago barely four days after. I wasn’t too surprised.

Head injuries are some of the most complicated injuries in the world today.

People mostly get head injuries from accidents anywhere, including domestic accidents. Sometimes from just ordinary play to hitting your head against a wall or even as little as while getting into a car and hitting the head against the door frame, can cause issues in the head. Those are examples of accidents.

Even some parents and guardians are very guilty of hitting their wards on the heads and this is a "no no" that should  be stopped.

But then, how does one handle the boxing sport? What are the kinds of steps taken to ensure that these injuries are reduced or completely eradicated? No one would suggest that it should be stopped; as it’s a means of livelihood for those involved and also an exciting game for some. So what measures should henceforth be taken?

As the world mourns the exit of Patrick day, we hope that the issue of injuries during these money spinning fights be looked into in order to save other young ones like Patrick, premature deaths.

©Stella Ene – Inyang

THERE WILL BE MORE JOY ODAMAS AND EVANS' UNTIL WE STOP DISRESPECTING OURSELVES

As I sit here at my desk in the office going through one of the national dailies on an update report by the Nigerian Police on the death of the late young Joy Odama who was said to have recently died in the hands of an Alhaji as a result of an overdose of cocaine in Abuja, one cannot help but be pained at how callous and undiscerning some so called men can be or get when it comes to exciting themselves with some of these vulnerable girls.

The sad part is that as you read this now, no doubts some other stubborn girls and hell-bent ones are still on their way to see one or two unknown Alhajis even with this trending story on the investigation of Joy Odama’s death. These hell-bent ones will still embark on such journeys with a mindset such as “that Joy Odama Girl was just unlucky, what happened to her can’t happen to me”, and so many more young girls have gone and also met their ends with such mindsets. It’s a sad truth.

A couple of days back, while having a chat with one driver who operates with one of these newly introduced and well packaged car hire service providers in Nigeria, I was amazed when he reeled out the number of young girls he picks up on a daily basis to destinations where they meet men they have never met in person before except via social media connections all in a bid to get money in other to maintain their “slay queen” status. In other words, many of these ‘runs girls’ stake their lives for little, more or nothing when it comes to this kind of business as sometimes their monetary expectations are either met, surpassed, not met or are killed in the process.

What a shameful, painful and sympathetic life as many of them are declared missing on a nearly daily basis, that’s if not found dead with no trace of where or how it happened.

In the case of Joy Odama, she was said to have been invited by a friend to see one ‘Philanthropic’ Alhaji while she was on holidays in Abuja  sometime in December 2016. According to reports, the mother of the deceased was offered N400,000 so that she can keep the matter of her child’s death buried. What an avoidable death!

Now the many questions being asked include “Who was this friend, who is this Alhaji and why would her mother allow her go to see an unknown Alhaji and for what? Can N400,000 bring back the young girl’s life?

Once again, like I have mentioned in previous posts, I reiterate here that the society takes a huge part of the blame when it comes to the question of “who is to blame?”

A young intellectual or young business struggling man or woman appears with an average lifestyle given his/her humble source of income; unfortunately, they are hardly recognized or respected when they appear at events or any social gathering. They do not have a ‘say’ in extended family meetings or amongst a gathering of friends all because they don’t have the kind of money to throw around. If he/she manages to buy a small decent car, buys inexpensive but good looking watches, clothes or shoes, they are looked upon with disdainful looks such as “is this the kind of cars your mates are still driving, do your mates still were such watches, clothes or shoes?”, the list is endless.

To crown it all, he or she is invited for an event and when he gets to the gate of the venue, the security man with just a quick look at his/her car will ask them to park outside with an excuse such as “no more space inside the premise” but as soon as a supposed “big man” with the latest Range Rover arrives the same event, the ‘silly’ security man will not only quickly fling the gates open but will add a quick military-like “salute Sir” and thereafter goes to direct the driver of the car where to park in the same premises he had earlier said there was no longer space.

Now tell me, why won’t young girls, boys, men and women who cannot endure such disrespect anymore lean towards all sorts of methods to get rich overnight just so they can earn the respect they so desire from the society? It takes God and a strong morally bond person to still stick with the “slow and steady” lifestyle with the hope that one day after so much genuine hard work, things will eventually fall into ‘pleasant places’ for him/her.

In the past few days after the news of the death of Joy Odama and the recent capture of ‘Evans’ a reported kingpin in kidnapping made news, the social media has been agog with different remarks filled with 90% of condemnation with the other percentage on pity especially for the family of the victim, Joy whose mother has been seeking for Justice.

Interestingly a huge percentage of all those condemning, casting aspersions and sharing sneering remarks on ‘Evans’ and even Joy Odama’s misfortune, are guilty of disrespecting those who seem ‘not to have arrived’ while praising the “ I have arrived” ones whenever the opportunities arise even when the source of income is questionable. What a group of discriminating ‘two-faced’ individuals.

Sadly, there will be more Evans Chukwudi and Joy Odamas in our society until the government creates an enabling environment for entrepreneurs, until many of us stop our nauseating ostentatious lifestyles and discriminating attitude. Until we stop disrespecting humble earners, until we stop unnecessary praise singing, ‘show-offs’ and thus making guys and ‘queens’ struggling to ‘slay’ on social media as well as events trying to look rich in a bid to earn respect thus getting ‘pocket’ broke in the process, this circle of “menace to society” will never stop.

My two cents!!

ENDING A GENERATION OF (UN)INTENTIONAL FORMS OF CHILD ABUSE

“My kids dare not look at me in the eyes. They know I don't tolerate nonsense, unlike their mother who does. They always know when I am around, and because they know where I hang their cane, they behave themselves and don't scatter their toys in the parlour"

These were the words I overheard someone telling his friend. It was uttered with such pride that I began to wonder whether he is a serious contender for the “strictest father". Get this: the man in question is an under 30 year old father; the two children are aged 3 years and 5 years. Years ago, scolding a child by way of flogging was the acceptable way of raising a child. When children erred, irrespective of the cause, they were flogged or beaten by their parents. Children were made to fear their parents (especially fathers) because fear was akin to love. In a way, Fathers were seldom close to their children as being a disciplinarian was “in-thing” about parenting. However, the sad part is that this style of parenting raised many angry and bitter children. In my opinion, it did more harm than good. Many children grew up to be abusive parents who physically abused their spouses and children. Years of been conditioned to physically react when you are angry is not something one can easily change, even with the best intentions. And so the circle of violence continued. People raised children who became strangers to them when they became adults, all because the bonding that should have been created during childhood was never done. That is why I felt so sad that a young man would feel so proud that his two little girls are afraid of him.

Inflicting physical pain on a child is not the way to correct the child. It is wrong at all levels and that is why it has been abolished in many western countries. Some say it is sound correction as the fear of being beaten will mold the child into having the right values but the stark truth is this: it is physical abuse and it stays forever in the child's memory, especially if the child is older.

One should never create an atmosphere where your kids are scared of you. From their early years, the parents should be their besties and paddies; they should be the persons they can confide in. Don't create unnecessary barriers simply because you don't want to appear as the “weak parents” to other parents. Some of the most despicable reasons parents use in flogging their children are the so-called “being too playful", “dem no know book” or “dem no dey hear word”. Does this even make sense? How does beating a child make him or her more intelligent, or to have more concentration while studying?

Apart from physical abuse, there are parents who specialise in emotional abuse, without knowing that they are doing this. Such parents are wickedly gifted with swear words: I don't want to mention a particular ethnic group but you need to hear the abuses and curses they heap on their children. I feel so sad because they don't even know the consequences of their actions. Constant emotional abuse can wreak havoc on the self-esteem of a child.

There is really no dull or intelligent child: all children are gifted in different ways. What they need are: the right atmosphere, the right tools to bring out their natural abilities, and the right guidance on developing their self-worth. That Mr. A's child has a sharp mind and easily learns things doesn't mean yours is dull. That you tell your second child one thing gazillion times before he/she understands while the first child understands easily before you finish your sentences doesn't mean your second child is a dullard or is being stubborn. That a child is not developing like his peers doesn't mean he is a witch, a snake-child or is possessed by a demon. In our part of the world, lack of knowledge and nil zeal to seek it, is one of our greatest problems. People don't even bother to know things. They would rather believe the tales reeled out by dubious religious leaders because these are what they want to hear.

Every child is different, the same way every adult is different. Knowing your child's personality and how to handle the child is very important. Granted nobody is perfect but your parenting style goes a long way in determining how a child will turn out. Anyone with kids below eight years will easily tell you that their attention span on any task is less than an hour. At that age, it is normal for them to quickly lose interest in tasks/chores at school and at home, especially if they don't find them interesting. As they grow older, they become mentally equipped to handle things that need concentrations, and their attention span gradually lengthens. For some children born with learning disabilities, such Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) (ADHA) and Dyslexia, physically punishing them with flogging, emotionally abusing the child or taking the child to see your spiritual leaders for casting out demons, will not make the problem to go away. Instead, it can destroy the self-esteem of the child and could lead to greater problems as adult. The best solution is to seek professional help. Medical professionals trained to treat such cases abound in our medical facilities; maybe not in small private hospitals or heath centre but they are certainly found in teaching and specialist hospitals. With drugs, counseling and therapy sessions, most if not all of such children can learn to overcome such obstacles or at the very least, manage it to a point where it doesn't blight their lives. For special child with Autism, ranging from Asperger Syndrome to seriously severe cases of Autism, with the right help, life can still be meaningful to both the child and the family.

In conclusion, there is no one style-fit-all parenting method. The goal of many parents (if not all) is to raise successful children. As much as we value children in Africa, the fact is that not all adults are actually prepared to be a parent. Raising children is no easy task because having them will change your life forever; whether this turns out positive or negative in the long run, will depend on your parenting style. If you know you cannot do it well, do not go into it. Do not bring children into this world to be their tormentor or killer, by abusing them. Dear Parents and Future Parents, do not let your child/children be scared of you. Be their friends as well as their parents.

Written By Edith Mokwe, an ACIPM licensed HR Practitioner residing in Lagos. She has B.A from the University of Benin (UNIBEN), and an M.A from the University of Lagos (UNILAG). She loves research, creative writing and board games. An introverted-extrovert and by every way a multi-dimensional being who is not only a lover of African Arts but one who stands up to bullies and finally an addict to sugary foods.

AS THE ENVIRONMENT CHANGES SO DO PEOPLE, INCLUDING TEENAGERS

Written by: Shalom Folashade

As we live every minute of every day we discover that our immediate environment changes. And just as the environment changes so do people change. Gone are the days when young girls and ladies, were truly young girls and ladies who accepted and acted their ages especially in the 90’s - as much as I can remember – when girls even though many looked matured body wise, they, at least a very large number, were very matured intellectually. Sadly, the same cannot be said about this present generation of young girls, as nowadays more than 80% of them cannot just wait to grow up. Do we blame it on technology, society or parents? You tell me.

Imagine seeing a girl in secondary school who is barely eighteen trying to act twenty-one, I mean it amazes me how young girls are willing to go any length just to mature fast. They believe there are certain processes they need to go through to get to the stage of maturity on time. You would be surprised to hear that a lot of them make concerted effort have sexual intercourse at a very early stage just to feel more like a woman, they date older men and of course some even go as far as running away from home because they feel they can now make decisions on their own.

Don’t get me wrong I am not against young girls fixing 22 inches length weave or dressing to impress, I mean these things are all part of growing up as a teenager and wanting to explore because they become conscious of their environment and want to do right by everybody, but teenagers need to understand that there is more to life than all they see, they don’t realize that the world out there is not easy and that life does not give a free pass to anyone no matter how many connections you might have, life in one word I would say is “messy.”

Gone are those days when young girls dreamed to have a stable family, always had life goals that they would go to any length to make sure they achieved, and that is because there were a lot of illiterate parents that struggled to send their daughters to school, I mean these days we go to expensive schools, even in this economy some families are not affected by the meltdown and so there is no value placed on parents’ effort. Young girls of this century just want to live in the moment.   

And as funny as this may sound some parents are so unaware that they do not know what is going on in the lives of their teenage children, so many young girls and guys dress shabbily, they now do drugs, they even raise their voices at their parents and counter their decisions. I mean why won’t such a child feel like he/she can make decisions for themselves. We feel comfortable blaming so many children now for the way they are but we forget that these children have parents that have refused to pay attention to them. We are the architects of our misfortune and so when these teenagers grow older they begin to have life time regrets.

Wishing they did things differently which is the right way. 

Let us place more focus on what is ahead of us, yesterday is gone and tomorrow will come after all and so we can’t escape what tomorrow holds for us because whatever we meet in the future is as a result of the decisions we make now.