ENDING A GENERATION OF (UN)INTENTIONAL FORMS OF CHILD ABUSE

“My kids dare not look at me in the eyes. They know I don't tolerate nonsense, unlike their mother who does. They always know when I am around, and because they know where I hang their cane, they behave themselves and don't scatter their toys in the parlour"

These were the words I overheard someone telling his friend. It was uttered with such pride that I began to wonder whether he is a serious contender for the “strictest father". Get this: the man in question is an under 30 year old father; the two children are aged 3 years and 5 years. Years ago, scolding a child by way of flogging was the acceptable way of raising a child. When children erred, irrespective of the cause, they were flogged or beaten by their parents. Children were made to fear their parents (especially fathers) because fear was akin to love. In a way, Fathers were seldom close to their children as being a disciplinarian was “in-thing” about parenting. However, the sad part is that this style of parenting raised many angry and bitter children. In my opinion, it did more harm than good. Many children grew up to be abusive parents who physically abused their spouses and children. Years of been conditioned to physically react when you are angry is not something one can easily change, even with the best intentions. And so the circle of violence continued. People raised children who became strangers to them when they became adults, all because the bonding that should have been created during childhood was never done. That is why I felt so sad that a young man would feel so proud that his two little girls are afraid of him.

Inflicting physical pain on a child is not the way to correct the child. It is wrong at all levels and that is why it has been abolished in many western countries. Some say it is sound correction as the fear of being beaten will mold the child into having the right values but the stark truth is this: it is physical abuse and it stays forever in the child's memory, especially if the child is older.

One should never create an atmosphere where your kids are scared of you. From their early years, the parents should be their besties and paddies; they should be the persons they can confide in. Don't create unnecessary barriers simply because you don't want to appear as the “weak parents” to other parents. Some of the most despicable reasons parents use in flogging their children are the so-called “being too playful", “dem no know book” or “dem no dey hear word”. Does this even make sense? How does beating a child make him or her more intelligent, or to have more concentration while studying?

Apart from physical abuse, there are parents who specialise in emotional abuse, without knowing that they are doing this. Such parents are wickedly gifted with swear words: I don't want to mention a particular ethnic group but you need to hear the abuses and curses they heap on their children. I feel so sad because they don't even know the consequences of their actions. Constant emotional abuse can wreak havoc on the self-esteem of a child.

There is really no dull or intelligent child: all children are gifted in different ways. What they need are: the right atmosphere, the right tools to bring out their natural abilities, and the right guidance on developing their self-worth. That Mr. A's child has a sharp mind and easily learns things doesn't mean yours is dull. That you tell your second child one thing gazillion times before he/she understands while the first child understands easily before you finish your sentences doesn't mean your second child is a dullard or is being stubborn. That a child is not developing like his peers doesn't mean he is a witch, a snake-child or is possessed by a demon. In our part of the world, lack of knowledge and nil zeal to seek it, is one of our greatest problems. People don't even bother to know things. They would rather believe the tales reeled out by dubious religious leaders because these are what they want to hear.

Every child is different, the same way every adult is different. Knowing your child's personality and how to handle the child is very important. Granted nobody is perfect but your parenting style goes a long way in determining how a child will turn out. Anyone with kids below eight years will easily tell you that their attention span on any task is less than an hour. At that age, it is normal for them to quickly lose interest in tasks/chores at school and at home, especially if they don't find them interesting. As they grow older, they become mentally equipped to handle things that need concentrations, and their attention span gradually lengthens. For some children born with learning disabilities, such Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) (ADHA) and Dyslexia, physically punishing them with flogging, emotionally abusing the child or taking the child to see your spiritual leaders for casting out demons, will not make the problem to go away. Instead, it can destroy the self-esteem of the child and could lead to greater problems as adult. The best solution is to seek professional help. Medical professionals trained to treat such cases abound in our medical facilities; maybe not in small private hospitals or heath centre but they are certainly found in teaching and specialist hospitals. With drugs, counseling and therapy sessions, most if not all of such children can learn to overcome such obstacles or at the very least, manage it to a point where it doesn't blight their lives. For special child with Autism, ranging from Asperger Syndrome to seriously severe cases of Autism, with the right help, life can still be meaningful to both the child and the family.

In conclusion, there is no one style-fit-all parenting method. The goal of many parents (if not all) is to raise successful children. As much as we value children in Africa, the fact is that not all adults are actually prepared to be a parent. Raising children is no easy task because having them will change your life forever; whether this turns out positive or negative in the long run, will depend on your parenting style. If you know you cannot do it well, do not go into it. Do not bring children into this world to be their tormentor or killer, by abusing them. Dear Parents and Future Parents, do not let your child/children be scared of you. Be their friends as well as their parents.

Written By Edith Mokwe, an ACIPM licensed HR Practitioner residing in Lagos. She has B.A from the University of Benin (UNIBEN), and an M.A from the University of Lagos (UNILAG). She loves research, creative writing and board games. An introverted-extrovert and by every way a multi-dimensional being who is not only a lover of African Arts but one who stands up to bullies and finally an addict to sugary foods.

SEX EDUCATOR -"USE VOCALIZATION TO TEACH YOUR PARTNER WHAT FEELS GOOD BUT DON’T FAKE IT"

I was going through a story that was recently updated online which was originally published on CNN.com in 2012 and I found it interesting so thought I should share with you my dear reader hoping that it makes a good read for you and others.

You rarely come across topics such as this on a daily basis but when you do see it on a page such as ‘yours sincerely’ trust that it would make a good read any day.

Given the topic of discussion, the article states that for many people, all you have to do is watch nearly any depiction of female orgasm on screen to get an idea of how a woman is "supposed" to react during sex.

From "When Harry Met Sally" to "Sex and the City" to your basic porn film, women in the throes of passion aren't just shouting their ecstasy from the rooftops, they're moaning with pleasure. Loudly.

But is this just cinematic license, or is there really something to noisy sex?

Experts wondered the same thing. In 2011, Gayle Brewer of the University of Central Lancashire and Colin Hendrie of the University of Leeds published their research on the topic -- technically known as "copulatory vocalization" -- in the Archives of Sexual Behavior. In the study, they asked 71 sexually active heterosexual women between ages 18 and 48 for more details about vocalization during sex.

The researchers found that many of the women did make noise but not necessarily while they were having an orgasm. Instead, 66% said that they moaned to speed up their partner's climax, and 87% stated that they vocalized during sex to boost his self-esteem.

"While female orgasms were most commonly experienced during foreplay, copulatory vocalizations were reported to be made most often before and simultaneously with male ejaculation," the researchers wrote. Women also reported making noise to relieve 

boredom, fatigue and pain/discomfort during sex.

So is female vocalization during sex just a performance for a guy's benefit? (After all, Meg Ryan's over-the-top moans were meant to prove a point to "Harry" that men are easily duped by a fake orgasm.)

"There isn't a lot of research in this area," said Kristen Mark, a sexuality researcher at Indiana University, "but we're bombarded with images through mainstream media that tell us moaning is associated with orgasm and sexual pleasure. So it would be a fairly wise faking strategy to moan since men already tend to associate moaning with orgasm."

Of course, there's nothing smart about faking it.

"If you're faking an orgasm, you are signaling to your partner that he is doing everything right, when in fact he isn't," sex educator and author Patty Brisben said. "Use moaning as a way of signaling that you are excited and things really are feeling good, not as a way to hide that they aren't."

Fake or not, women aren't the only primates who vocalize during sex. Research in the animal kingdom reveals that female baboons, for example, have a variety of copulation calls, which appear to relate to their fertility. The vocalizations tend to become more complex when the females are closer to ovulation and vary when a female is mating with a higher-ranked male baboon. Female macaque monkeys give a shout to help trigger their mates' orgasm, too.

Performances and primatologists aside, vocalizing during sex can actually be a great tool to help women get what they want in bed.

Brisben added that on the topic of talking about sex, it isn't always easy to translate sexual thought into action, so a little strategic moaning can definitely help get the point across.

"Women are learning to take responsibility for their own sexual needs and wants in the bedroom," Brisben explained. "We need to take this one step further and give ourselves permission to become teachers. Use vocalization to teach your partner what feels good. It can help you say, 'stop, go, yes, more please,' without sounding like a traffic cop."

And when it comes to noise, "partner benefit isn't the only piece of the puzzle," Mark said. "Perhaps making noise turns some women on and helps them experience pleasure."

Brisben concurred: "I think there are many women who need to be vocal to help themselves achieve orgasm. It helps move them and their orgasm along. There are certainly phases. As a woman gets into it, she may become extremely vocal and then move into a period of quiet as she is on the verge."

So do what feels right to you. Any other benefits are just a great bonus. And when it comes to "copulatory vocalization," perhaps men should take a lesson from the ladies.

"Women understand that moaning is a turn-on for guys, and many women ultimately enjoy it because they've made an effort to push a little beyond what comes naturally," said Logan Levkoff, a sex educator and author of a guide for men entitled "How To Get Your Wife to Have Sex With You."

"But sexual self-esteem is a two-way street, and, for their part during sex, guys should aim for more than a single grunt at the end. It's not about faking or doing something you don't want to, but more about being sexually present and in sync with each other."

So let's all make some noise.