WHAT WOULD THEY SAY?

andrevashaw.blogspot.com

Many people who were doing very well in life before until some sort of misfortune happened are suffering in silence today, not because there’s nothing more they can do to at least have three square meals a day but because they are dwelling too much on “what people would say”.

Who cares about what the people would say?

If it’s the same people who would not give you a dime are the ones who’d always laugh when they see you trying to fight poverty off by doing some ‘humble’ legit jobs? Then let them laugh.

Nobody has any excuse to die of hunger!

You may not have that luxury car or other luxuries of life at the moment, but you have no excuse to die of hunger if you are not physically impaired,  ill, bedridden or something.

Just the other day, I boarded a bus but got held up in one ‘terrible’ traffic for almost an hour. Yes, an hour! Which shouldn’t be news for many in this part of the world.

Anyhow, the core of this post is not about the traffic but about the conductor of that bus.

While in the traffic, I engaged Tunji (by far the most respectful conductor I’ve ever encountered in my entire life) in a discussion.

First of all, I got on the bus; he greeted me and then asked if I was “okay”, properly settled on one of the seats before he asked the driver to move. Then he proceeded to collect his money in a very good manner “aunty please, your money”. I gave the money to him and he gave me my change and said “thank you”.

After a short drive, another passenger boarded and he extended the same courtesy towards the passenger, it was at this point I took an interest in him.

Unlike the many bedraggled ones seen on the roads, Tunji was well dressed in a simple traditional ‘ankara’ attire with hair well cut and of course no mouth or body odour, as I was seated next to him and furthermore well-spoken too.

In the course of the journey, I found out that he’s not only a graduate who had at a time worked in one of the blue chip organisations in this country but also a father of two.

He talked about how things went from ‘very awesome’ to ‘very appalling’ and then couldn’t stand to watch his family get hungrier than they later got so he decided to take up the job of becoming a conductor until something better comes up.

Of course by the time I disembarked, I was convinced without doubts that not too long from that moment, Tunji would get back on his feet again given some of the plans he talked about in the short journey with him.

What am I trying to say here?

Don’t die of hunger simply because of “what would people say”?

What is that thing you can start doing right now? Start from wherever you are and with whatever you have. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

It will pay off in the end.👌

©Stella Ene - Inyang

LET'S DO OUR JOB NOW THAT THERE'S STILL TIME

andrevashaw.blogspot.com andrevashaw.blogspot.com

In the past or back in the day when there was still some sanity left in the society, when you see a 19 or even 22-25 year old , you could still say “hey! Can you   go on an errand for me” without any fears of getting insulted or objections. Then the answer was always “yes ma/sir” even though you’d just be a few years older, it didn’t matter much then as he/she would go on the errand without complaints and deliver to you before running off to do his/her thing.

Sadly, nowadays, what do we get?

You can’t even reprimand a teenager without getting a sarcastic response. Oh what am I even saying? Did I just say teenager? My sincere apologies.

Now let me rephrase. 

You can’t even scold a 6-10year old child let alone a teenager without having to contend with sarcastic answers to questions you’ve not fully completed the lines of asking in the first place.

How did we get here? Especially in our once “well-behaved” African society.

These days one is confronted with pictures of teenagers paraded on television and all over social media after being caught as suspects in one form of robbery, kidnap, rape or ritual cases. Teenagers who should still be home running errands for their many innocent parents are being paraded on television as suspects/criminals. It’s so sad.

This is one reason why “community parenting” should be taken up as a matter of great concern. Situations where we have to look out for each other’s child thereby quickly call a child to order once he/she starts to derail. But then, community parenting comes with some baggage so the question is are ready to deal with that little baggage as parents just so we’d keep our wards on the right path of life?

Candace Cameron-Bure, an American actress known for her role in ‘Full House’ as D.J. Tanner won my heart during an interview with Wendy Williams not too long ago. Candace said her daughter who’s in her 20s still seeks her opinion on pictures (whether they are appropriate enough) before she can post them on social media. Awww!

For me, that coming from Candace tells a lot on how much she’s invested on her kids. Valeri Bure is a lucky husband and father! I mean, we are talking about a girl in her 20s yet some other kid who's barely a teenager can seldom be talked to let alone seek his/her mother’s opinion on what to or not post on social media. For the latter, it’s a case of “post right away! Who cares”? 

What am I trying to say here? 

We really need to do something about this generation of children/youths else the future would definitely become more disastrous and we would all be blamed for it. Therefore do your job right now as parents or guardians now that we are still here.

STELLA ENE - INYANG

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY: OGA! ARE YOU THE GOVERNMENT?

andrevashaw.blogspot.com

Mr Egodi is a bus driver. He works from very early in the mornings, as early as 4am to meet up with early morning ‘rushers’ that is, workers and other business persons who leave their homes in the wee hours of the morning  everyday by public transport. Mr Egodi has a family of four, his wife and three young children, a girl who is just seven years old, boy 8 and the eldest boy 10. These children attend a public school just a few miles from the home and the trio walk to and fro the school every day.

Their mother Mrs Egodi sells roasted corn and sometimes plantains during the day by the roadside. She has a gutter right in front of where she does her business and oftentimes, throws the peels of the plantain and corn right inside the gutter and of course overtime, the gutter has gone from stagnant to a heaped refuse bin thus preventing any further flow of water. When she is cautioned by anyone to refrain from dumping refuse in there, her responses include “na you be government, is it your father’s house or what is your business”?

On the other hand, Mr Egodi buys a bottle of cold beverage drink during the day which most times is very hot hence the need for that drink. He gulps the content of the cold bottle and immediately, instead of leaving the empty bottles in the bus till he gets to a proper refuse bin, he would rather throw the bottles on the street which many times would eventually roll or get kicked into the nearest gutters by idle street mischief-makers. Again when a passenger scolds him for dumping the bottles on the street, his responses not anyway different from his wife’s will also include “oga or madam patriotic, what is your business, abeg when you get to your home or  office you can talk to your children or workers like that, this is my bus or are you government?”

One day while everyone was still at work and children on their way from school, it rained nonstop and heavily too, and of course the roads and many houses were flooded and since many of the gutters were already blocked with refuse from the likes of the Egodis, many people could not find their way home so easily including the children of Mr and Mrs Egodi. And while the children tried to wade their way home through the waters, given the current of the flow of water, the daughter was suddenly picked up by the flood even as the helpless siblings screamed for help as they couldn’t get hold of her given the heavy downpour. 

Luckily, it took the intervention of a man who was also at the scene to rescue the little girl whom by the time she was eventually pulled out from a spot was bleeding profusely from a big scar on her head very close to the right eye; it was obvious she had smashed her head against a huge and sharp object whilst the torrent of waters swept her away.  Sadly she lost that eye at the end of the day. Till this day, Mr and Mrs Egodi blame the government for the fate of their daughter.

Now some of the questions for the likes of the Egodis include “is it the government that filled the gutters with refuse or that makes the rains fall? And this brings me to my topic “Taking responsibility of our Environment".

A few days ago, it rained heavily in Lagos and some other parts of Nigeria leaving people stranded at home for as much as two days whilst many others lost so much properties even as a couple of lives were lost.

The thing here is, the rains will always come and when they do, one can never predict how much damages they would leave behind so why do we as citizens keep engaging in the wrong things when it comes to protecting ourselves from having to encounter the wreckages of an aftermath of heavy downpour every year?

Reports have it after what happened in the Lekki axis that apart from blocked drainages by refuse, many people built houses over drainage systems, who does that?

It is so insane the way we behave in this part of the world. The blame over such houses built should be on the town planners who either ‘okayed’ such plans or didn’t do their work by ensuring that such houses shouldn’t be positioned there in the first place. It is such scenarios that make some ignorant people quickly blame the government; after all it is the government who appointed those supervisors in the first place, right? What about you, the neighbour or citizen who turns a blind eye to such habits with the attitude of “it’s none of my business” and unfortunately, it becomes “your business” when the entire environment, including yours suffers the consequences of what was initially termed “none of your business”.

  

Now who and what is the government?

The government is made up of people from amongst us, right? hence if we as citizens can eat gala, biscuits, corn and throw the waste in the gutters, then what do you expect from our representatives in government? Of course they would turn a blind eye to such buildings and even do less or nothing when it comes to disciplining anyone seen dumping refuse in the gutters.

But then who cares? Nobody!

Instead everyone is busy looking for anyway to get their bread ‘buttered’ so nobody is held responsible for anything until the day of reckoning when all those involved or not involved in these irresponsible acts and habits are affected in one way or the other. Then once again, the government is blamed and the circle continues.

The truth is, we are first of all our own government before anything else. Let us speak against any damaging environmental act around us and caution anyone involved as in doing so we protect not just our environment but ourselves as well.

So when next you are asked “is it your business or na you be government? Be quick to reply “yes, it’s my business” or “yes, I am the government” without batting an eyelid.

Next time, we'll talk about the business of recycling, reuse and more!

(c) STELLA ENE-INYANG

ENDING A GENERATION OF (UN)INTENTIONAL FORMS OF CHILD ABUSE

“My kids dare not look at me in the eyes. They know I don't tolerate nonsense, unlike their mother who does. They always know when I am around, and because they know where I hang their cane, they behave themselves and don't scatter their toys in the parlour"

These were the words I overheard someone telling his friend. It was uttered with such pride that I began to wonder whether he is a serious contender for the “strictest father". Get this: the man in question is an under 30 year old father; the two children are aged 3 years and 5 years. Years ago, scolding a child by way of flogging was the acceptable way of raising a child. When children erred, irrespective of the cause, they were flogged or beaten by their parents. Children were made to fear their parents (especially fathers) because fear was akin to love. In a way, Fathers were seldom close to their children as being a disciplinarian was “in-thing” about parenting. However, the sad part is that this style of parenting raised many angry and bitter children. In my opinion, it did more harm than good. Many children grew up to be abusive parents who physically abused their spouses and children. Years of been conditioned to physically react when you are angry is not something one can easily change, even with the best intentions. And so the circle of violence continued. People raised children who became strangers to them when they became adults, all because the bonding that should have been created during childhood was never done. That is why I felt so sad that a young man would feel so proud that his two little girls are afraid of him.

Inflicting physical pain on a child is not the way to correct the child. It is wrong at all levels and that is why it has been abolished in many western countries. Some say it is sound correction as the fear of being beaten will mold the child into having the right values but the stark truth is this: it is physical abuse and it stays forever in the child's memory, especially if the child is older.

One should never create an atmosphere where your kids are scared of you. From their early years, the parents should be their besties and paddies; they should be the persons they can confide in. Don't create unnecessary barriers simply because you don't want to appear as the “weak parents” to other parents. Some of the most despicable reasons parents use in flogging their children are the so-called “being too playful", “dem no know book” or “dem no dey hear word”. Does this even make sense? How does beating a child make him or her more intelligent, or to have more concentration while studying?

Apart from physical abuse, there are parents who specialise in emotional abuse, without knowing that they are doing this. Such parents are wickedly gifted with swear words: I don't want to mention a particular ethnic group but you need to hear the abuses and curses they heap on their children. I feel so sad because they don't even know the consequences of their actions. Constant emotional abuse can wreak havoc on the self-esteem of a child.

There is really no dull or intelligent child: all children are gifted in different ways. What they need are: the right atmosphere, the right tools to bring out their natural abilities, and the right guidance on developing their self-worth. That Mr. A's child has a sharp mind and easily learns things doesn't mean yours is dull. That you tell your second child one thing gazillion times before he/she understands while the first child understands easily before you finish your sentences doesn't mean your second child is a dullard or is being stubborn. That a child is not developing like his peers doesn't mean he is a witch, a snake-child or is possessed by a demon. In our part of the world, lack of knowledge and nil zeal to seek it, is one of our greatest problems. People don't even bother to know things. They would rather believe the tales reeled out by dubious religious leaders because these are what they want to hear.

Every child is different, the same way every adult is different. Knowing your child's personality and how to handle the child is very important. Granted nobody is perfect but your parenting style goes a long way in determining how a child will turn out. Anyone with kids below eight years will easily tell you that their attention span on any task is less than an hour. At that age, it is normal for them to quickly lose interest in tasks/chores at school and at home, especially if they don't find them interesting. As they grow older, they become mentally equipped to handle things that need concentrations, and their attention span gradually lengthens. For some children born with learning disabilities, such Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) (ADHA) and Dyslexia, physically punishing them with flogging, emotionally abusing the child or taking the child to see your spiritual leaders for casting out demons, will not make the problem to go away. Instead, it can destroy the self-esteem of the child and could lead to greater problems as adult. The best solution is to seek professional help. Medical professionals trained to treat such cases abound in our medical facilities; maybe not in small private hospitals or heath centre but they are certainly found in teaching and specialist hospitals. With drugs, counseling and therapy sessions, most if not all of such children can learn to overcome such obstacles or at the very least, manage it to a point where it doesn't blight their lives. For special child with Autism, ranging from Asperger Syndrome to seriously severe cases of Autism, with the right help, life can still be meaningful to both the child and the family.

In conclusion, there is no one style-fit-all parenting method. The goal of many parents (if not all) is to raise successful children. As much as we value children in Africa, the fact is that not all adults are actually prepared to be a parent. Raising children is no easy task because having them will change your life forever; whether this turns out positive or negative in the long run, will depend on your parenting style. If you know you cannot do it well, do not go into it. Do not bring children into this world to be their tormentor or killer, by abusing them. Dear Parents and Future Parents, do not let your child/children be scared of you. Be their friends as well as their parents.

Written By Edith Mokwe, an ACIPM licensed HR Practitioner residing in Lagos. She has B.A from the University of Benin (UNIBEN), and an M.A from the University of Lagos (UNILAG). She loves research, creative writing and board games. An introverted-extrovert and by every way a multi-dimensional being who is not only a lover of African Arts but one who stands up to bullies and finally an addict to sugary foods.