LOVING OTHERS STARTS WITH LOVING YOURSELF FIRST!

Recently the United Nations at a consultative meeting on the formulation of the UN

Development Assistance Framework IV (UNDAF IV) for the South East geo-political zone in Awka, released a gloomy report on Nigeria’s Common Country Analysis, which revealed a deeply divided society on the basis of the plurality of ethnic, religious and regional identities that had tended to define the country’s political existence while predicting that Nigeria at 75million population and one of the most populous in Africa may approximate 200 million by 2019 and over 400 million by 2050, thereby becoming one of the top five populous countries in the world.

That’s not all, the report also indicated that “Nigeria is one of the poorest and most unequal countries in the world, with over 80 million or 64% of her population living below poverty line which has remained high in rural areas as the situation has not changed over the decades, as well as female-headed households which it says is also on the increase across the six geo-political zones, with prevalence ranging from approximately 46.9 percent in the South West to 74.3 percent in North West and North East.

My first thought after seeing this was “hope our leaders read that report?

Did you notice I underlined ‘female-headed’ above?

Before anyone would term me an ‘opinionated bigot’ let me clarify that I’m not and will never be a sexist let alone a feminist or one of these ‘fanaticized’ “women empowerment” campaigner. However, I love things done the right way, irrespective of gender.

Now with that out of the way.

Some women in this generation drop their jaws in awe when a fellow woman says her hubby gives her money to make her hair, clothes and a few other personal needs because a huge percentage of women haven’t experienced such gestures from their hubbies in years so it does seem like a surprise out of the old-fashioned idea of marriage/relationship to them.

A couple of weeks back, this picture as seen on the right was posted on one of my group chats and it raised a lot of views leaving the group members divided into three sub-groups left, right and those who sat ‘on the fence’.

And so because I couldn’t reveal what was discussed in the group as part of group rule, I decided to post it on my facebook page to get other people’s opinions before doing the write-up even though I already had an idea on what some of the reactions would be, I still went ahead with it and I do hope it makes some sense to a reader even though you may not agree with some of the points raised.

For the records, one unknown individual whose name will also not be mentioned felt really slighted by the mere sight of the picture and immediately started blowing hot over his own roof as the heat was nowhere near mine *winks*. I had a good laugh over his rants and ramblings as all what he exhibited gave a vivid picture of who he really is and a visit to his wall on facebook threw more convicting light on his person.

Away from the ‘heated’ man as he was well taken to the cleaners in a very ‘subtle’ way which he would remember for a while, that’s if he still has any iota of honour on.

Again, my apologies for digressing. Now read the following comments:

Commentator A said “Wanna kill the woman with responsibilities? Even though within her lies strength.”

 

And I replied: “Yes the woman has strength but how far should a woman go?

Commentator B said: “a women's burden which is often given names as responsibility”.

And I asked: “Does she stick with the entire burden or select the types of burden she has to deal with?

And commentator B replied:  “the thing is she has to -whether she wants or not- stick with the entire burden... or the society gives her bad names. However if this was a perfect world where everyone could choose to be themselves she could choose her burdens... She could have an option of loving herself more than others but we dont live in the perfect world. So a women needs to carry all the burdens and still walk around like she is merely a women who depends on others....

A commentator C simply added: “The strength of a Woman”.

Again I asked: “How much longer can the strength go if she remains saddled this way?

Commentator C’s response was: “Woman, she's got the strength and tenacity to pull through the ills of marriage with such virtuous calm, but obviously at a point where the center can no longer hold”.

And of course, we all know that when the centre can no longer hold, the woman could snap, and then things begin to fall apart leaving the centre vulnerable.

An angry commentator D said:  “A wicked man who has not only left his responsibilities to a woman? But he also has become the woman's burden shamelessly enjoying the woman’s pains.

My question to D was: “Dearest D, my question now is has it always been so? Or is it now it started?

D’s reply was: “It hasn't always been like this. Women became more desperate they settled for less. Then men capitalised on the woman's need to have a man's name. This is mostly occasioned by the need to please society.

Another commentator E added: “African woman! Culture and tradition that undermines the true value of a woman/mother/wife”.

And then I asked E: “Are you sure it has to do with the African culture?

And E’s reply was: “I can only relate it to what is evident in Nigeria/Africa. We grew up seeing this around us".

However commentator B thought otherwise and said: “I think it implies to the general womankind even in my Nepalese culture. I mean even if a woman works she still has to look after her house... still clean... still cook and so on”.

Commentator F agreed pointblank with E and said: “That’s an African woman's life. Saddled with a lot of responsibilities” and when asked if it was a certainty that it has to do with only the African culture, F added “It doesn't really happen in d western world, mostly in Africa and some developing countries”.

Commentator G opined quickly without mincing words and said: “How typical of man. The picture speaks clearly for itself”.

Commentator H’s response to the picture was: “Never complain about what you tolerate. What is the woman afraid of? She needs help”.

And my question was: “Should women tolerate, endure or enjoy life? She sure needs help. But the look on that man's face does not give him away as one who will be willing to help even if she asked. The man looks happy even though the faces of the other two kids tell a different picture/story not to talk about the pain as depicted on the woman's face. So tell me please, who will help the woman?

Commentator I’s assertion read:  “No matter how bad the circumstances may be, the woman is the strength of the family. The issue is that are you carrying a man that has head? If yes your strength will be for a short while but if not you are bound to drop him and take care of yourself and children”.

I laughed at the idea of dropping ‘him’ and asked again “how far should a woman's strength carry her”? and commentator J also laughed and added: “..., some men are big Babies. They feel the woman should carry all the responsibilities including their own”.

Nevertheless, a commentator K thought the picture was medieval hence it would affect people’s perception and a commentator L agreed that it was kind of exaggerated however if it wasn’t a mere exaggeration, then “this is sin against humanity… but it can’t be” if not “men are devils” he concluded.

As K said, the picture would affect people’s perceptions, however I guess not every perception would be negative as a commentator M said: “I see a strong woman who is there for her family. Even in dire circumstances, she remains strong and she also has a husband that adores her and also relies on her strength. She is the pillar of strength for her whole family. She is a good woman”. Well her opinion too.

Someone else, who I would like to bring up as N said: “No food or warmth for a lazy man” and I followed up with “true saying, but this one seems to be getting a lot of food and warmth from the woman else he wouldn’t have that smile or is it smirk, on his face.

A commentator O exclaimed thus: “"What a miserable life and marriage this is! Had I known..." and P’s thought was “Too much load on the woman, the man is also a load to her, that is, the man (her husband) is also part of the load (responsibilities) she's carrying. This is the case of most women today. It wasn't like this from the beginning. Just a few men, are carrying their responsibilities in their respective families. There is something wrong somewhere. May God have mercy on women”.

Q had this to say “The strength of a woman is underrated and not appreciated and women don't understand what shared responsibilities are so therefore think they can do it all and when the man sees your strength as a woman he becomes one of the children in the house. Sad to say but this picture speaks reality of the present day” even as another commentator who felt so upset by the state of the woman as pictured added  “A frustrated woman that has not discovered herself, carrying all the load doesn't make you a strong woman”. A concurring commentator added “This is "RES IPSA LOQUITOR". The woman being the bread winner; carrying all the load, her husband, children and all family responsibilities. She is frustrated, looking old and over- burdened but her husband is relaxing on her back smiling. Instead of being a supporter, she is carrying the load without a support. May God help us women”.

A commentator R saw things slightly from both angles hence wrote “This is sadly the state of many women in our world today. She carries the full burden/responsibilities of herself and family/society without complains. The saddest thing is not that the man isn't helping, because he may be genuinely unable to help....the saddest thing is that he is not willing to lift a finger to help the woman and is also clearly enjoying her pain and misery. Sad”.

Nonetheless, an S, had this to say “Real women do care for family needs in any circumstances. Currently, only few women do care, while a larger number seek for competitive life either with partners or someone out of their homes. The absence of a real wife in the current time has caused lots of damages to our society which has caused many children and husbands to misbehave or lack integrity, for instance the Nigerian senators fighting themselves openly without regret.

An interesting T came up with this “my message is to those women in this position. If you don't bail out, the very same people, in-laws, friends etc. lying and commending you to keep at it, Will blame you when you die. Some will say you had an ulterior motive for staying and call you a bad mother. I know a mother-in-law who told her abused daughter-in-law it's the women who take charge of the home and so she should get on her knees every time her hubby comes in, but now they claim the lady is too weak to take charge of her kids and wants them. Ladies whether you stay or leave people will talk. Decide to be happy now”.

Hmmm! That was a serious one!!

However, before I let off, I would like to add another comment from H who added “Nobody sits on my back unless I let them. The woman is sick. This is like being physically battered in a marriage and staying in because you love the man or you are afraid of being single. She is committing suicide in installments. She needs to help herself first. If - not, it's when she dies, this man will simply look for another victim. Loving others starts with Loving yourself.

Enough said already and messages passed as well. Finally, in all of these, I will like to sum up with what commentator H said "loving others starts with loving yourself". You know what to do. Don’t kill yourself while trying to love others.

WHY DID I MARRY YOU?

How many of you would sit and watch someone poo in the toilet while you watch and genuinely still laugh and joke about the stench coming from the poo?   

Or how many of would laugh over a partner’s fart when you guys are cuddled up in a room? 

How many of you would rather make sure your partner has the car while you hitch a ride or go by public transport to work? How many of you would get worried and panic when they say there is heavy traffic on third mainland bridge just because your spouse takes that route? 

How many of you would rather let your partner have the only meal in the house for the night and go hungry in his her place? I could go on and on with the ‘how’ questions?

    

The saying ‘marry your best friend’ which some people feel is an overemphasized cliché is still to millions of people around the world, including me, a saying that would continue to hold a ‘lot of water’ for even the unborn generation.

Without any apologies or mince of words, you CANNOT falter that saying.

No one needs to be told that the rate at which divorces are carried out on a daily basis around the world, it confirms that 99% of those marriages were not based on true friendship. These divorces confirm Friedrich Nietzsce’s words that “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages” which I strongly agree with him.  

The truth be told. Every true relationship starts with ‘friendship’ there is no ‘jumping-the-gun’ here. 

Before you start talking about loving a person fit enough to spend the rest of your life with, it HAS TO BE someone who makes you laugh or smile. That someone when you are together, you can be yourself and be honest with each other no matter how embarrassing there be. He or she can let you be a fool and not be disgusted because both of you end up laughing over those things. Someone who can make you feel like a child again when you are together thus confirming Darlene Schacht’s thought that “when you marry your best friend, you bring back a little piece of your childhood”. 

As best friends, you share the good news and the bad news together and the next thing you hear even when it is bad news is “so what are WE going to do about it” even when you are just friends.

That for me is TRUE friendship.  And it points to a kind of love that even the deepest, darkest of waters cannot in anyway dilute. So I would say “marry that friend”. That kind of friendship will not speak ill of you. I can say again and again that any marriage based on such a companionship is bound to last for a very long time.  

When you marry your best friend, nearly everything you do together will be fun all the time even when it has to do with doing the laundry, dishes or cooking; it will be fun. And because you know each other so well, everything you dream and embark upon would seem like an adventure even when/if they turn out wrong decisions at some point.

Life is always better with your best friend. Both of you can just be together all alone in your world, away from the stress of reality and talk for hours without getting bored and you could find yourselves telling each other things that you have not told another soul and yet feel free to share between yourselves.

That is your soul mate. And if you are not yet married, never let them go and happiness will always be your companion.

I laughed after reading somewhere that “marriage is getting to have a sleep over with your best friend, every single night of the week”. Hmmm! That sounds really romantic right? So why waste it. Marry your best friend and that ‘every single night of the week’ will be forever. Don’t make the mistake of ever inviting your best friend to your wedding because once you do that, it means you are surely getting married to the WRONG person. Don’t make that mistake.

Come on everyone, let’s curtail the high rates of divorce by marrying our best friends and people who truly know you and are willing to love you all the way. It honestly will stop the silly melancholic feeling by some people who see marriage as some sort of jail.

Now you have it. The best marriages are based first of all on true friendship and true friendship includes trust, honesty and the likes which sums up the four letter word L O V E.

Once again, MARRY YOU BEST FRIEND!

KHLOE STILL HOT ON LAMAR

During last Sunday’s church service, which was mothers’ day as celebrated in some parts of the world, the Pastor of the church which I attend, before praying over the women and mothers, reiterated that there is nothing good about a broken home or marriage and never in history has it ever happened that a woman was applauded or given an award for making her home a hell of a place to live. 

That warning made me recollect what I read online a few days before about Khloe Kardashian of the Kardashian dynasty who was reported to have said on the program Kocktails with Khloé  that she would never be unfaithful to her partner in any relationship she finds herself because of the negative impacts infidelity had on her parents, Kris Jenner and the late Robert Kardashian.

When I saw that report, it was with an ‘hmmm’ sigh and I thought “this sounds really good coming from a Kardashian” Before you take a ‘misunderstanding’ seat, let me straighten the statement just in case you got it all twisted.

Given the trend of broken relationships/marriages due to one form of infidelity or the other which is fast becoming or now even a norm in Hollywood and the other ‘woods’ in the world, celebrities now have the reputation of ‘who cares if this relationship ends as soon as it starts’ so it comes as a shock to hear some of these same celebs say they would never cheat on their partners especially from the ones who have had very controversial relationships in the past.

Khloe said during the program that the breakup with her former boyfriend James Harden  happened because James “wasn’t committed” and went on to talk about how her experience given her mother’s infidelity destroyed her father who died of cancer in 2003 after breaking up with the mother, Kris Jenner in 1990.

According to Khloe “I saw how it destroyed my dad... I saw what it did to my dad so I don't want to do that. I also saw the regret from my mom."

Who knows, maybe Robert would have made a few more years if he didn’t get divorced. Like they say “happiness has a way of suppressing illnesses and diseases”. But then, it’s too late now even though Kris who is now in her sixties has acknowledged that cheating on her husband at 30 with a producer was her “biggest regret”.

A lot of regrets come after every form of cheating. When it happens between just dating or married couples, regardless the type of relationship, as long as there is commitment to one person, once the other cheats, it breaks a heart gravely and most of the time such heartbreaks never get mended.

Interestingly, sometimes even after such breakups, some of these people still maintain relationship with their ‘Ex’ while some others just end up ‘sworn’ enemies.  

Back to Khloe Kardasian, let us take an example using her relationship with Lamar Odom. The duo still remain friends even after the collapse of their marriage. Khloe had also said on Kocktails that they both have a good relationship notwithstanding Lamar’s unfaithfulness and she proved their friendship when she took time out for Odom while he was hospitalized even though she was already in a new relationship at the time.  

On her relationship with Lamar, she said "People can say whatever they want about Lamar, but our relationship was so unbelievable. The good outweighed the bad … I still have only great things to say about him. I want Lamar to be happy with his life. I feel like that is my role” even as she concluded that Lamar has also set the bar very high for future relationships.

Hey ladies! Isn’t that sweet? There’s a thing or two to learn from KHLOE on this!!